Thoughts at Forty
Oh good you got here. Didn't expect you would make it.
I remember being 30 and wondering what it would be like after 10 years. There are some cringe-worthy entries in this journal by my former 30 years self. I would urge you resist the temptation of going through them. But if you do, you will be filled with a lot of emotions like regret and remorse to name a few. The funny thing is that you actually got most things right, and you got just one thing wrong. That, unfortunately, being the most important.
But, finally you are beginning to look beyond yourself. You have, very recently, made the startling discovery that people around you have their own lives. Even your closest ones. And you are orders of magnitude lower in importance to them than you imagined.
This somehow is a good thing (I can imagine my 30 year old self staring blankly). Impressing people and getting their recognition used to be your prime mover. Though it is still the case and likely to remains so, the struggle has somewhat subdued.
And that has made you realize the number of young years wasted in that pursuit. You were too lazy and too afraid to find your own way. You choose what you thought would be most appreciated by others. And so you choose and choose but never stuck with it. I wish, I only wish I had met you sooner and made you understand that don't try to find grand success. You look for something that makes you happy everyday and then do it everyday. Even if it achieves very little of note. (Hopefully 50 year old self won't have to say the same thing to me).
Friends have changed, so have friendships. It is all small talk now. Perhaps they have realized nothing much comes out of talking about great things. The smart ones ignore greatness entirely.
There are new pursuits that seem rewarding now. Reading, biking, music. Let us see what happens to them in five or ten years.
One of the few things that have remained unchanged is your decision to not have kids. Still don't see a point to it.
I sometimes wonder if I will regret not building anything substantial. Something my 60 year old self can point to and say - I built that over there. People build companies, bungalows, kids. What will I have? Is it even needed or is it just ego? (Should answer that in 20 years - if alive and well that is)
Another question that crops up is what did I give back? I used up enormous privilege and resources for years and what did the world get for it? Not that it should, but still, the question remains.
The pace of life has slowed down, and that again, surprisingly, seems like a good thing.
Here is to the mistakes of old and new - may there be many of them but not the same ones again. Cheers!
I remember being 30 and wondering what it would be like after 10 years. There are some cringe-worthy entries in this journal by my former 30 years self. I would urge you resist the temptation of going through them. But if you do, you will be filled with a lot of emotions like regret and remorse to name a few. The funny thing is that you actually got most things right, and you got just one thing wrong. That, unfortunately, being the most important.
But, finally you are beginning to look beyond yourself. You have, very recently, made the startling discovery that people around you have their own lives. Even your closest ones. And you are orders of magnitude lower in importance to them than you imagined.
This somehow is a good thing (I can imagine my 30 year old self staring blankly). Impressing people and getting their recognition used to be your prime mover. Though it is still the case and likely to remains so, the struggle has somewhat subdued.
And that has made you realize the number of young years wasted in that pursuit. You were too lazy and too afraid to find your own way. You choose what you thought would be most appreciated by others. And so you choose and choose but never stuck with it. I wish, I only wish I had met you sooner and made you understand that don't try to find grand success. You look for something that makes you happy everyday and then do it everyday. Even if it achieves very little of note. (Hopefully 50 year old self won't have to say the same thing to me).
Friends have changed, so have friendships. It is all small talk now. Perhaps they have realized nothing much comes out of talking about great things. The smart ones ignore greatness entirely.
There are new pursuits that seem rewarding now. Reading, biking, music. Let us see what happens to them in five or ten years.
One of the few things that have remained unchanged is your decision to not have kids. Still don't see a point to it.
I sometimes wonder if I will regret not building anything substantial. Something my 60 year old self can point to and say - I built that over there. People build companies, bungalows, kids. What will I have? Is it even needed or is it just ego? (Should answer that in 20 years - if alive and well that is)
Another question that crops up is what did I give back? I used up enormous privilege and resources for years and what did the world get for it? Not that it should, but still, the question remains.
The pace of life has slowed down, and that again, surprisingly, seems like a good thing.
Here is to the mistakes of old and new - may there be many of them but not the same ones again. Cheers!
Labels: musings
posted by siddhya at June 10, 2020
1 comments
