Thoughts at Forty

Oh good you got here. Didn't expect you would make it.

I remember being 30 and wondering what it would be like after 10 years. There are some cringe-worthy entries in this journal by my former 30 years self. I would urge you resist the temptation of going through them. But if you do, you will be filled with a lot of emotions like regret and remorse to name a few. The funny thing is that you actually got most things right, and you got just one thing wrong. That, unfortunately, being the most important.

But, finally you are beginning to look beyond yourself. You have, very recently, made the startling discovery that people around you have their own lives. Even your closest ones. And you are orders of magnitude lower in importance to them than you imagined.
This somehow is a good thing (I can imagine my 30 year old self staring blankly). Impressing people and getting their recognition used to be your prime mover. Though it is still the case and likely to remains so, the struggle has somewhat subdued.

And that has made you realize the number of young years wasted in that pursuit. You were too lazy and too afraid to find your own way. You choose what you thought would be most appreciated by others. And so you choose and choose but never stuck with it. I wish, I only wish I had met you sooner and made you understand that don't try to find grand success. You look for something that makes you happy everyday and then do it everyday. Even if it achieves very little of note. (Hopefully 50 year old self won't have to say the same thing to me).

Friends have changed, so have friendships. It is all small talk now. Perhaps they have realized nothing much comes out of talking about great things. The smart ones ignore greatness entirely.

There are new pursuits that seem rewarding now. Reading, biking, music. Let us see what happens to them in five or ten years.

One of the few things that have remained unchanged is your decision to not have kids. Still don't see a point to it.

I sometimes wonder if I will regret not building anything substantial. Something my 60 year old self can point to and say - I built that over there. People build companies, bungalows, kids. What will I have? Is it even needed or is it just ego? (Should answer that in 20 years - if alive and well that is)

Another question that crops up is what did I give back? I used up enormous privilege and resources for years and what did the world get for it? Not that it should, but still, the question remains.

The pace of life has slowed down, and that again, surprisingly, seems like a good thing.

Here is to the mistakes of old and new - may there be many of them but not the same ones again. Cheers! 

Hot girl walks into a bar

When does a look stop being an act of appreciation of beauty and start becoming harassment? Growing up in India with all the taboos and cultural stupidity regarding the opposite sex, this is not an easy question to answer. Oh our culture teaches us to treat women with respect. Oh most women are very happy in their marriage, just look at the low divorce rates. These statements confuse me a lot. What does it really mean to treat someone with respect? Let me try to understand it with the help of a couple of characters.

Hot girl walks into a bar hotel

'Level headed' guy, 'Confident when with friends' guy, 'Thinks he is better' guy and 'Will play people for fun' guy are sitting at a table. They are very different people but united in their complete lack of guts when it comes to talking with girls.

We allow for a moment's silence where everyone at the table takes in this new development. From top to bottom, lingering at the curves a while longer. Only the 'Thinks he is better guy' does not join the others in doing this. Yes, of course, because he thinks he is better.

Confident (when with friends) guy is the last to break the eye-body contact. He blows a low whistle or offers a few expletives to set the tone. Looking at this reaction, (thinks he is) Better guy realizes that in his pride he has missed something quite unmissable. For the rest of the conversation, he will be focusing on stealing glances and opportunities to stare at the aforementioned object. Confident guy is continuing with description of her breasts and how tightly her clothes were hugging them. (Will play people for) Fun guy ventures that he could clearly make out the outlines of her bra, and that it was silk for sure. Level headed guy is silent till about now. He, being level headed and all, makes a rational assessment of the situation. With a rack like that her boyfriend must be f***ing her at least twice a day, he summarizes. Further expletives are let out by the Confident guy, partly in anger (directed towards the yet unseen boyfriend) and partly in pleasure (imagining the twice-a-day event).

Fun guy, strategically shifts the conversation to why is it that such girls tend be not with us. Specifically, he adds, what is stopping any one of us, from 'getting' this particular hot chick? Level headed guy suggests the receding of their hair lines or advance of the waist lines as probable causes. This is generally ignored. Better guy forwards the age old wisdom of beautiful girls being so dumb as to choose stupid partners. This is very well received by the audience resulting in downing of beer glasses and ordering of a fresh round.

Meanwhile fun guy ploughs on with his instigation, covertly directed at the Confident guy in order to get some action going. 'Degree hain, job hain, bike hain, l*** hain. Aur kya chahiye sa** ko!'. In fact some of the guys around the table have amassed much more than that - like a wife and kids. But that is quite understandably left unsaid. 'Look at the way she is looking around, I bet she is ready to f*** the first guy who goes up to her', Fun guy continues. This finally has the desired effect and Confident guy brings down his empty mug with intent. Others smell blood. 'Abhi usko ja ke hi bol de', level headed guy chips in. Confident guy gets up and pushes his chair back. But the confident feet have other plans. They wobble and the confident body sinks to the ground for the lack of chair at the said location.

Let us pause and come out of the bar/hotel for a moment. What has happened so far? Have they treated the girl with respect? Maybe they have not treated anything so far, except their eyes perhaps. Thoughts are only a problem when they get converted into action. Right?

There is very little chance of action here (much to the disappointment of fun guy). As mentioned before, no one at the table has the guts (or the balance) to go trouble the girl anyway. But what if they were not in a busy place. What if there was no one except them and her? If it was late night and no help was forthcoming? Would that have emboldened them? Probably. Now, if they had done something stupid (otherwise perfectly nice married guys) who is to blame?

The thoughts? So are thoughts really harmless? Or perhaps we would just say that being at such a place, at such a time, in such a dress, the girl had it coming.

Career

It is only recently that I realized that a career is not compulsory. It will take some time to sink in.

Unfortunately having fun and living your life to the fullest is also not compulsory. You don't need to do that. Many a human survive just fine without it. Most of us fail the Monday test (Do you look forward to it?). I read in a book that the opposite of happiness is not sadness. It's boredom. If you are not excited (every day) by what you do, you are perhaps in the wrong profession. How did I land up here? It is always a case of life happening to us while we are sleepwalking through it. Question is, how long do I continue to sleepwalk? It is certainly possible to do it forever.

The idea of a free life is grand. The practicalities are not. They are mighty confusing. Free is not relaxing. Free is not lolling. Free is hard work. And this is all speculation. Who knows what it is like to be free? I don't. I trade my vigor and energy for money. Every day. Till I will be no longer in possession of any. Is that free? I cannot decide the amount of work I am willing to do. I have numerous wishes which will die simply due to lack of time and energy on my part. Many have. Is that free?

How are we supposed to live? Is there a standard? In our 200,000 years of existence we have not figured it out? Why has no one ever mentioned it to me? Is the fear of having no money enough to block every other thought or possibility that can exist? I am pretty sure it is. And the more money I have the greater the fear of losing it. Economics tells us that money is fungible. That is can be interchanged easily for something else. But experience tells me that money can limit my mind like no other. The addiction is intense. The thought of going a single day without income will strike fear in the heart. The justifications will flow quickly. What will I do when I get old? What will I do now? What will she think? What will he think? What about my self worth? Am I worth nothing?

The people around you define your necessities. Couple of properties. Strong investment portfolio. Gold. Fixed Deposits to take care of emergencies. Some land somewhere hoping for long term appreciation. Plain old cash in the bank. And I define myself by my ability to attain these necessities. I measure my success by how much I went ahead of my friends in possessing them. All other measures of worth are for pansies.

These questions are many and are most important. Important than anything else in the world. But I have not checked my email in a while. And my phone is blinking too. I wish I had his strength of will. These questions will take no less. But who am I kidding?

इहासने शुष्यतु मे शरीरम्

त्वगस्थिमांसं विलयं च यातु । 

अप्राप्य बोधिं बहुकल्पदुर्लभाम् 

नैवासनात् कायामतः चलिष्यते ॥

Let my body wither away on this seat,

let, skin, bone, and flesh get dissolved;

Without getting enlightenment,

difficult to achieve in many eons,

Never shall this body move from this seat.

Sparks

About judging others and staying balanced.

It is not everyday that you learn something new about yourself. Even if the discovery is not very gratifying. Most of the times it is not, they are embarrassing in fact. But the fact that you realized them makes for tremendous satisfaction. How that realization comes about is not always clear. Perhaps it has something to do with constantly pulling oneself out of the rut and being generally inquisitive. It might very well be just random. I recently had two such sparks of wisdom shine upon me. One at the deep subconscious level and the other at the very physical end of the spectrum.

Whenever i interact with a new person the first thing that i do is judge. Not a long complicated assessment of the human being in front of me, but a split second judgement coming from the most ancient part of the brain, telling me just one thing. Is this person better than me? If i think this person is better than me, then i become a bit defensive. I tread cautiously. If i decide, by whatever yardstick that my primitive brain applies, that i am better than the person i am talking to, then i am a bit more relaxed. I take it easy. Mind you, i am unaware of all of this while it is happening. It is only by chance that my mind wonders on to itself and i get to witness my subconscious in action. Perhaps it is a manifestation of the primal fight or flight instinct. Appropriately mellowed down by our safe (relative to a jungle) and secure (relative to hunting-gathering) lifestyle. So instead of a bearing of teeth and clinching of fists in readiness to fight i might just add a slight condescension to my tone, and establish my superiority (self-proclaimed). And instead of fleeing full blast i might nod my head a little more vigorously in agreement, and concede my inferior position. Perhaps there are some advantages to all this. After all nature in all its wisdom has given us (or is it just me?) this instinct. But i wonder how it would be if i could treat everyone i meet as my equal. At least to begin with. Give the benefit of doubt to everybody before i start judging them. It will be mighty hard.

Me: He is shorter, less smart, less intelligent perhaps. I can take him on.

Myself: No. He is your equal. Don't think you are superior to him.

Me: Wow he is a Rockstar!  I look like a pitiable idiot in front of him.

Myself: No. You are his equal. Don't think you are inferior to him.

I am a naturally left handed person. So any task that needs control, deft or power is delegated to the left side of the body. So much so that even seemingly symmetric actions like walking, running or riding a bike are actually done led by the strong side and the weak side kind of just tags along. Once you realize that your body is favouring one side, you can feel it almost every minute of your waking life. It is a feeling of imbalance. I realized it when i was playing the drums and my right hand just could not keep up with my left. Or when i am running and my left foot follows a perfect path while my right foot is just trying to keep up. Again there might be some evolutionary advantage in being lopsided  but i don't get it. I am trying to restore my balance one action at a time.

Brushing my teeth with the weak hand...not easy

Putting the key in a keyhole and turning....not easy

Eating with the weak hand....not atall easy

....

Window

Why are we always either too young or too old for something?

I have often heard older folk say that they want to be child-like. Without a worry in the world. Most kids cannot wait till they grow up. No homework and freedom to do as they please, they think. Neither is of course true. Yes, kids live in the moment and don't worry about future as such. But they are not fearless. Perhaps much more fearful of simple things like darkness, not getting food or being away from mommy and daddy. Yes older people don't have to go to school. But they still have homework (married people will know this to be quiet true).

When we are young we are filled with prejudices and complexes. Am I good looking? Am I smart enough? Will they accept me this group? Will they laugh at me? Will this girl ever look at me? Why is this guy staring at me? These insecurities are formed at birth and they keep piling up. No matter how great or wonderful and free your upbringing has been, these are growing up pains that everyone just has to go through. Some get it rough, some not so much, some overcome them early, some take long. With time and age we slowly shed them. But that same time and age that helps us get over these limitations pulls us towards another inevitable one. Physical. Slowly you loose your vigour, your energy, your health. It is simply, physically impossible to learn and do many things as you grow older. This might sound pessimistic and unreal because there are millions of quotes and poems and stories to tell you that 'young at heart' is what matters. Yes it might be true that it is what matters, but these limitations are also very very real.

So there is this window of opportunity, so to say, when you have over come most of your inhibitions, your fears and insecurities and your physical limitations are yet to set in. For some it might be 25 to 35. For others something else. But this is time to do great stuff. Try something new. Be passionate about things. Do something stupid. Work hard. Take some risk. Be relentless. What ever you do, do not crib afterwards that you missed this opportunity. I have seen and met uncles who missed it then and are stuck trying to recreate that feeling at daru parties. And there is perhaps nothing more pitiable.

Amour

I am frightened by old age. That is the one thing that really scares me. Not death, but old age.

Have you ever seen a old couple sitting in a park? Or crossing a road? What do you think of when you see them?

You think they are cute. Perhaps they are. So used to each other. There are no sudden movements, no unanticipated actions. A lifetime spent together guarantees that. But they were not always like this. Once, so many years ago, they had also met for the first time. They must have tentatively asked each others preferences. Guessed what he or she might like or not like. Carefully planned vacations which might have gone terribly wrong. Unexpected journeys, memories of which have lost all their details with time, but not their essence. They must have fought and argued with each other. Vicious misunderstanding which perhaps would have more than once threatened their very relationship. They must have dreamed of their perfect home and chosen a sofa, a dinner table for it together. They must have expected so much from each other and yet sometimes, when it was needed, let the other be alone to do his or her own thing. But these passionate things are past now. What remains is a routine to be followed from here on to the very end. Not by choice but by compulsion. Your body simply won't tolerate anything new. It is heart wrenching to see something that started with such fun, passion and love, end up so dry, mundane and dead.

Amour is about a musician couple for whom old age is now a reality. Their once colorful and bright lives are now a series of slow movements and brief sentences. Illnesses set in and things go generally south. I was wondering what would it do to my self respect if i lose the ability to do the most mundane of everyday tasks? If i need to call for help every time i need to change my clothes? What if i know that this will never get better, old age is not reversible. Who would you ask for help everyday? Your partner is as old as you are. Your kids have their own lives their own worries to take care of. And what if you don't have any kids? Perhaps you would wish your parents were alive. I guess your mother is the only person you can ask for something without worrying how she would manage to do it. But she will be long long gone.

Somehow in India old age does not look that bad, yet. People still live with their parents. But things might change. You cannot demand freedom and independence (living separately) in your youth and then expect your kids to sacrifice their own plans and stay with you in your old age. That is just hypocrisy of the first degree. I increasingly feel our old age would not look like what we are seeing our parents go through right now. It would look more like what they show in Western movies. And it is a horrible terrible sight.

    

I have known people who get married and time their kids such that when they get old, their kids will be just the right age to come in handy. I don't know if their plan will work. I wish them the very best. For me, i have decided. The day i am not able to make it to the toilet and back on my own, i will register for sky-diving lessons. And if that doesn't work, i have a few other things on my mind.

Happy thirty third birthday to me.

PS: The other two movies that i saw on my long Mumbai - San Francisco flight were The Hobbit and Fargo. Both great movies, but not as rattling as this one. 

Anti-Social Work

Someone once walked up to my friend and asked in an unintentional but a mildly sarcastic tone "Oh, so you do social work?". To this my friend replied quite flatly "Yes. Why? You do anti-social work?"

The expression on that guy's face was exquisite. But the point is, what really is the opposite of doing social work? Most of us don't do social work. We do complain about what is wrong with the Society, Country, Government, but we don't actually invest our time in changing it. We leave that to the politicians and the jholawalas. But from roads to religion, it is increasingly evident that what these entities do, affects us greatly. Does the middle class paradigm of minding our own business hold any more? Can you really give the best to your family and children by ignoring these vital ingredients? Because there is that important and necessary business of running the Society that we live in. Who is going to mind that if sensible people like us do not look beyond our immediate family? It is commonplace to ask 'What do you do?' and it is commonplace to answer with the task that gives you income. Along with that the question 'What do you do beyond your personal and family interests?' should become as obvious. It does not make sense to leave social work to specialists, it is really common-sense work, which everyone should be doing. I think the slight ridicule and sarcasm comes from the belief that someone who participates in society-benefiting work, must be neglecting his or her family. And that is a rather unfair assumption.

Of course it is idiotic to make this a compulsion of some kind. But a culture that recognizes and respects this kind of work, will make us a better society, than perhaps any other kind of reform.

There is also an interesting economic aspect to thinking beyond your family. I came across it when we were discussing the dismally low percentage of women in India's workforce. Both Families and Firms achieve division of labour (I take the kids to the playground, you do the laundry). But there is a crucial difference which makes Firms somewhat more useful for the Society in general. Families do not produce a surplus, Firms do. Let me explain.

Say your wife is a great cook (I am not being sexist, it is just that most men i know are pathetic cooks). Obviously she will not cook more than your family can eat.  Instead if she starts a small business, more people can enjoy her great cooking, she can feed her family and earn some surplus money too! And the economist goes, everyone is better off.. everyone is better off..

कथा

[I know this is a wrong place for a short story. Bloggers (readers and writers) don't have an attention span of more than 2 paragraphs :P But i have no where else to put it up. So here goes..]


आज पहिल्यांदा माझ्या हातून एक खूनी सुटला. बरं झालं.


1 वर्षा पूर्वी ऐन दिवाळीत ती पहिल्यांदा माझ्याकडे आली. माझं office थोडं आड वस्तीत असल्यामुळे लोक, especially बायका, इथे येताना जरा घाबरतच येतात. गर्दीच्या वेळा टाळतात. सण तर नाहीच नाही. म्हणून तिला वर येताना पाहिल्यापासून माझ्या डोक्यात चक्रं  सुरू झाली. जिन्यावर चपलांचा आवाज, steady. दारावर आल्यानंतर आत जायचं का वळून परत जायचं हे ठरवायला लागणारा क्षणाचा delay, missing. भीती, awkwardness, चिंता, missing. हिचं पहिलं वाक्य काय असेल?


त्या गोंधळ आणि फटाक्यांच्या आवाजातही मला तिचे शब्द स्पष्ट ऐकू आले. "माझ्या नवर्‍याचा खून झालाय. पोलीस missing person's report च्या पुढे जाऊ शकले नाहीत. तुम्ही मदत करू शकाल?"
आमचे हे बाहेर कुठे शेण खात फिरतात जरा शोधाल का? हयापेक्षा हे फारच interesting होतं. मी नाही म्हणणं शक्यच नव्हतं. 1 तास तिनी तपशीलवार माहिती दिली. मी फार interfere केलं नाही. बोलणारा काय बोलतोय हे ऐकताना तो ते का बोलतोय, हे बोलण्या मागे त्याचा काय motive आहे, ह्याचा सुगावा घेणं ही धंद्यामुळे पडलेली सवय. त्या घटनेमुळे तिचं अख्खं आयुष्य बदललं होतं. दुःख अगदी स्वाभाविक होतं. पण त्या बरोबर कुठेतरी, हे सगळं का झालं? कसं झालं? ह्याची curiosity पण जाणवत होती. interesting. शेवटी, सगळी case समजावून घेतल्यानंतर, ती परत जायला निघताना फक्त एक प्रश्न विचारला. "ह्या गोष्टीला आता दोन वर्षं झाली. तुम्ही त्यातून बाहेर आलायत, routine मध्ये settle झालायत असं वाटतं. हे सगळं परत सुरू करावं असं का वाटतंय?"


case घेताना मी ती सोडवायला किती वेळ लागेल त्याचा अंदाज बांधतो. मी ह्या case ला तीन महिने दिले होते. Obviously माझा अंदाज साफ चुकला.


तो


माझ्या बायकोच्या म्हणण्याप्रमाणे investigation चा पहिला महिना मी नेहमी वाया घालवतो. पण मला असं वाटतं की आपण जसे असतो, त्याचा आणि आपल्या बाबतीत काय घटना घडतात, ह्याच्यात काहीतरी संबंध असतो. त्याला कोणी शत्रू नव्हते. in fact त्याला कोणी मित्रही नव्हते. फार काही आवडी-निवडी ही नव्हत्या. बहुतेक सगळ्या photos मध्ये थोड्याफार फरकानी तेच expression दिसत होतं. हा हसणार तेवढ्यात कोणीतरी photo काढून टाकल्यासारखं. दिसायला काही वाईट नव्हता, in fact चांगलाच होता.


त्या दिवशी तो नेहमीसारखा गाडीनी office ला गेला. पण office मध्ये पोचला नाही. तो, त्याची गाडी, cell phone, त्यानी त्या दिवशी घातलेले कपडे, काहीच सापडलं नाही. त्याला शेवटचं त्यांच्या building मधल्या watchman नी गाडीत बसून जाताना पहिलं होतं. त्याच्या घरापासून office चा रस्ता ४० कि.मी. चा असेल. त्यातला १० कि.मी. चा पल्ला थोडा सुनसान आणि निर्मनुष्य होता. त्याच्या बायकोचा असा अंदाज होता की ह्याच वाटेवर त्या दिवशी त्याच्यावर हल्ला झाला.


पोलिसांच्या फाइल मधून फारशी माहिती मिळाली नाही. त्याची बायको, watchman, office मधल्या दोन लोकांची statements होती. बाकी सगळी fields blank ठेवली होती. त्याच्या ओळखीच्या लोकांकडून जितकी माहिती मिळू शकेल तितकी मी मिळवली होती. पण सगळ्यांकडून थोड्याफार फरकानी तेच ऐकायला मिळालं होतं. normal, average, कमी बोलणारा, ह्या पलीकडे कोणाचं काहीच मत नव्हतं त्याच्याबद्दल. ही गोष्ट मला खटकत होती. वरवर आपण सगळेच normal असतो, पण थोडं खोलात शिरलं की लगेच प्रत्येकामधला वेगळेपणा बाहेर येतो. ह्याच्या बाबतीत असं होत नव्हतं. either हा खरंच अपवाद होता किंवा अतिशय शिताफीनं त्यानी त्याचं खरं रूप लपवलं होतं.


शोध


त्याचं routine समजावून घेण्यासाठी मी आठ दिवस रोज त्याच्या रोजच्या रस्त्यांनी सगळ्या वेळांना जाऊन आलो. प्रत्येक hotel, दुकानात जाऊन चौकशी केली. कोणालाच तो आठवत नव्हता. not surprising. शेवटी कंटाळून बिडी मारायला एका टपरीवर थांबलो. धूर काढणं संपवून पैसे देत होतो. "cigarette सोडली म्हणायची तुमच्या दोस्तानी." तो पानवाला माझ्या हातातल्या photo कडे बघून म्हणत होता. Hardwork pays, one way or another. पूर्वी तो रोज office मधून येताना ह्याच टपरीवर थांबायचा. मी बोललेल्यांपैकी कोणालाच हे माहिती नव्हतं की तो smoking करायचा. आपण गोष्टी लपवतो जवळच्यांपासून, परक्यांसमोर कोण चिंता करतो? त्या पानवाल्यामुळे एक फार महत्वाची गोष्ट कळली, he knew how to keep a secret.


ह्या case ला relevant अशी अजून एक गोष्ट त्याच्याकडून कळली. पूर्णपणे गायब होण्याआधी (त्याला कोणीतरी मारलं आहे हे assumption मी अजून केलं नव्हतं) काही वर्षांपूर्वी त्यानी रोज इथे येणं बंद केलं होतं. क्वचितच यायचा. त्याच्या एका विशिष्ट सवयीमुळे त्या पानवाल्याच्या तो लक्षात राहिला होता. कुठली cigarette देऊ विचारल्यावर त्याचं उत्तर "तुम्हाला हवी ती." असं असायचं. smokers आपापल्या brand विषयी खूपच serious असतात. कुठली बिडी ओढतोय ह्याची आसक्ती नसणारे फुकाडे मी फार कमी पाहिलेत.


मुळात cigarette सोडणंच सोपं नसतं आणि काही कारणाशिवाय तर ते शक्यच नसतं. त्याच्या आयुष्यात असं काय घडलं असेल की ज्याच्यामुळे त्यानी इतकी खोलवर रुजलेली सवय बदलली? तो ती बदलू शकला.


दुसर्‍याच दिवशी मी त्याच्या बायको कडून त्याची गेल्या पाच वर्षांची सगळी financial documents घेऊन आलो. आजकालच्या जगात आपल्या credit card statement इतका आयुष्याचा accurate log दुसरा कुठलाच नसतो. तिलाही माझी ही पद्धत आवडली. त्या दिवशी काय घडलं असेल हे speculate करण्याऐवजी मी ते जे काही घडलं असेल ते का घडलं असेल त्याचा शोध घेत होतो. आमच्या बिरादरी चे आद्य गुरु, गुरुवर्य Holmes म्हणतात तसं - When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.
मी त्यातल्या सगळ्या entires नीट तपासल्या. त्याचं एक table बनवलं, derivative घेतलं, distribution plot केलं, co-relation function generate केलं. पण त्याचा काहीच फायदा झाला नाही. suspicious असं काहीच आढळलं नाही. माझं gut-feeling असं होतं की मी बरोबर track वर आहे. पण कुठल्याच नवीन leads मिळत नव्हत्या. 6 महिने असेच गेले. मधे अनेक फालतू cases येऊन गेल्या. एका होतकरू नवर्‍याच्या background check चं काम आलं. त्या मुलाची दहावी पासून B.Com पर्यंतची सगळी certificates खोटी होती. वय पण चुकीचं दाखवलं होतं. मी हा report वधूपित्याला दिला. दोन महिन्यांनी ते लग्न झालं. म्हणे ते आधीच शब्द देऊन बसले होते, आता मोडलं तर लोक काय म्हणतील? ठीक आहे.


एकदा MSEB चं bill भरायला रांगेत उभा होतो. तेव्हा अचानक tube पेटली. ताबडतोब office वर गेलो. सगळ्या files परत काढल्या. आत्तापर्यंत मी कुठे कुठे खर्च केलाय आणि किती केलाय हे पहात होतो. पण सर्वात मोठी information "Date" च्या column मध्ये होती. तारखेप्रमाणे सगळ्या entries परत plot केल्या तेव्हा एक perfect pattern समोर आला. एका point पर्यंतच्या सगळ्या entires अस्ताव्यस्त होत्या. कधी due-date च्या नंतर बिलं भरली होती, कधी खूप आधी भरली होती. Financial planning कडे पूर्ण दुर्लक्ष होतं. २००७ च्या मे महिन्या पासून चित्र एकदम वेगळंच होतं. प्रत्येक बिल, प्रत्येक खर्च perfectly aligned होता. त्याच सुमारास त्यानी cigarette पण सोडली असणार. त्या मे महिन्यात त्याच्या आयुष्यात नक्कीच काहीतरी जबरदस्त घडलं असणार.
त्या मे महिन्याच्या प्रत्येक दिवशी काय काय झालं हे मी तिला जितक्या details मध्ये लिहिता येईल तितकं लिहून ठेवायला सांगितलं. त्या उन्हाळ्यात त्याला de-hyderation झालं म्हणून दोन दिवस hospital मध्ये admit केलं होतं. दुसरं काहीच unusual असं आढळलं नाही. पण माझ्या ह्या theory मुळे तिच्याही डोक्यात चक्रं सुरू झाली. एकदा असंच बोलताना सांगत होती "शेवटची दोन वर्षं खूप छान गेली. कारण त्याला कशाचा रागच येत नसे. खूप उत्साहात असायचा. मलाही सारखा म्हणायचा, तू नवीन काहीतरी शिकत का नाहीस? गाणं, पेटी, एखादा खेळ? पण मला कशातच interest नसायचा. आत्ता विचार केल्यावर असं वाटतं की तो काहीतरी बदलला होता. पण बदल चांगल्यासाठी  असेल तर आपण प्रश्न विचारत नाही." कदाचित तिनी विचारायला हवं होतं.


Hospital चे reports मिळवणं जरा tricky होतं. Doctor-patient confidentiality मुळे ते कोणालाच देत नाहीत. पोलिसांनी offically investigation बंद केलं असल्यामुळे search warrent मिळालं नसतं. ह्याला work-around शोधायला लागणार होता. Mean while एका hunch वर मी तिला paper मध्ये एक जाहिरात द्यायला सांगितली. 


"लाल रंगाची सँट्रो त्वरित विकत घेणे आहे. registration व इतर कागदपत्र नसतील तरी चालेल. कि. २ लाख. रोख व्यवहार."


काही दिवसांनी मी आजारी पडल्यामुळे hospital मधे admit झालो. Doctor नी over-night observation साठी ठेऊन घेतलं. Naturally, मी गोळ्याच तश्या घेतल्या होत्या. दर दोन तासांनी nurse च्या rounds होत्या. रात्री एकच्या round नंतर, I.V. काढून मी खोलीबाहेर सटकलो. Records room चं कुलूप अगदीच गरीब होतं (गोदरेज). पुढच्या अर्ध्या तासात त्याची सगळी records शोधून copies बनवल्या. त्या वर्षीचं Visitor's Register पण शोधलं. त्याला भेटायला आलेल्यांपैकी पहिल्या entry चं अक्षर त्याच्या बायकोशी जुळत होतं. पण पुढच्या पानावर मला अजून एक entry सापडली. तिथे नुसतं 'स्वामी' असं लिहिलं होतं. सही नव्हती. strange, त्याच्या बायकोच्या म्हणण्याप्रमाणे ती सोडून त्याला कोणीच भेटायला आलं नव्हतं. मग हा स्वामी कोण? त्याच्या समोरच्या खोलीत तेव्हा कोण patient होता हे शोधून त्यांचाही पत्ता लिहून घेतला. कारण CCTV recordings तीन वर्षं कोणीच ठेवत नाही.


त्या patient एक सत्तर वर्षांच्या आजी होत्या. कसलंतरी infection झाल्यामुळे चार दिवस admit होत्या. त्यांच्या घरच्यांना समोर कोण होतं काहीच आठवत नव्हतं. मे महिन्याची सुट्टी चालू असल्यामुळे त्यांची ७ वर्षांची नात पूर्ण वेळ त्यांच्या बरोबर होती. तिला विचारल्यावर काल घडलं असल्यासारखं म्हणाली. "orange dress घातलेले काका आले होते. त्यांनी मला खेळायला एक beed दिलं." मी translate केलं - रुद्राक्ष, भगवी कफनी, स्वामी. हे स्वामी character कोण होतं? आणि का आलं होतं?


जाहिरात दिल्यानंतर ३ दिवसांनी तिचा प्रचंड excited फोन आला. "त्याची गाडी सापडली!". ती गाडी विकायला आलेल्या पोराला जरा दमात घेतल्यावर सगळं भडाभडा बोलला. माझा अंदाज खरा ठरला. त्याला ती गाडी शहराबाहेर एका छोट्या train station वर सापडली होती. पूर्ण मोकळी, दार उघडं आणि किल्ली ignition मध्ये अशा अवस्थेत ती त्याला सापडली होती. Number plates पण नव्हत्या. गाडी सारखी गोष्ट destroy करणं सोपं नाही. जर ती अर्धवट destroyed राहिली तर लगेच संशय येतो आणि पोलिसांना कळू शकतं. त्यापेक्षा जर ती चोरीला गेली तर चोर ही व्यवस्थित काळजी घेतो की ती कोणालाच सापडणार नाही. ज्यानी कोणी ती गाडी तिथे सोडली त्यानी नक्कीच त्याचा homework केला होता.


ते station पाहिल्यानंतर एक आशेचा किरण दिसू लागला. station च्या parking ला लागूनच एक party lawn होतं. तो गायब झाला त्या दिवशी ह्या lawn वर कुठलं function चालू असेल तर त्यांच्या video recording मध्ये कदाचित.. त्या दिवशी तिथे किरपे - रसाणे शुभविवाह चालू होता. किरप्यांशी (वधूपक्ष) दोस्ती करून त्या लग्नाचे सगळे videos/photos मिळवले. पण तो cameraman फारच professional निघाला. आलेली लोकं सोडून त्यानी काहीच record केलं नव्हतं.


पुढचा १ महिना आम्ही त्या स्वामीविषयी माहिती मिळवायचा प्रयत्न केला. त्या मुलीकडून sketch बनवून घेतलं. police records, hotel registers, धर्मशाळा सगळं पालथं घातलं. त्यानी दिलेलं रुद्राक्ष त्या मुलीकडून मिळवलं. त्याला किती मुखं आहेत, कुठल्या प्रदेशातल्या झाडाचं आहे, वर polish आहे का, इत्यादि कीस पाडला. त्यावरून एवढं कळलं की उत्तर-पूर्व हिमालयाच्या पायथ्याशी किंवा मानसरोवर प्रदेशात उगवणार्‍या एका दुर्मिळ झाडापासून हे आलेलं असू शकतं. एवढी मला खात्री होती की तो माणूस ह्या शहरात राहणारा नव्हता. पण इतक्या लाखोंच्या शहरात ५ वर्षांपूर्वी आलेला एक माणूस कसा सापडणार?


जेव्हा नवीन evidence सापडत नसतो तेव्हा जुनी माहिती उकरत बसतो. आपण नक्कीच काहीतरी miss केलं असणार. असंच आम्ही ती किरप्यांची tape बघत बसलो होतो. बघता बघता तिनी एकदम video pause केला. screen वरच्या एका माणसाच्या हातात handicam सारखं काहीतरी दिसत होतं. किरप्यांकडे चौकशी केली, तो नवर्‍यामुलाचा college मधला मित्र निघाला. त्याला हुडकून काढलं, ती tape मिळवली. त्यानी पूर्ण लग्नात दोन चांगल्या दिसणार्‍या मुलींवर focus केलं होतं. recording च्या शेवटी त्या मुली ह्याला bye-bye करत होत्या. picture out of focus होतं पण screen च्या उजव्या कोपर्‍यात एक लाल santro दिसत होती. मी tape pause केली आणि frame-by-frame पुढे नेली. हळूहळू त्या गाडीचं दार उघडलं, भगवी वस्त्र घातलेली एक व्यक्ति बाहेर पडली, आणि दार तसंच उघडं टाकून station च्या आत निघून गेली.


वाराणसी


त्या दिवशी तिथे एक passenger train (अप), एक मालगाडी (डाउन) आणि एक मालगाडी (अप) अश्या ३ train थांबल्या होत्या. ती सँट्रो station वर आल्याची वेळ, तिथून गेलेल्या trains चे मार्ग आणि stops, रुद्राक्ष आणि भगवी कफनी, अशा अतिशय weak logic वर मी वाराणसीला आलो होतो. म्हणून अपेक्षा फारच कमी होत्या. तरी महिना दोन महीने रहाण्याच्या तयारीनी आलो होतो. पण इथे आल्यावर एक फारच अनपेक्षित प्रकार घडला होता. मी त्याला शोधायच्या आधी त्यानीच मला गाठलं होतं. rather, त्याच्या निरोपानी. जसं काही तो कोणाचीतरी वाटच बघत होता. ह्या report सोबत तो कागद जोडलेला आहे. मी त्याचे अनेक financial reports पाहिले होते. हे अक्षर थोडं बदललं असलं तरी निःसंदेह त्याचंच होतं.


"मी तुझा दोषी आहे. आणि तरीही तुझे माझ्यावर असंख्य उपकार आहेत. आज परत एकदा तुझ्यामुळे मला माझी पुढची वाट सापडली आहे."


ज्या कागदावर हे लिहिलं होतं तो cheap quality चा होता. शाईच्या वासावरनं, ती किती blot झालीये आणि किती रंगं बदललाय ह्या वरून हे उघड होतं की गेल्या एक-दोन दिवसातच हे लिहिलं होतं. कदाचित आजच. पण आता मला सगळा प्रकार लक्षात आला होता.


"देवा, आपणहून गेलेल्या माणसानी आपणहूनच परत येण्यात अर्थ आहे. नाही का?" कागद माझ्या हातात देताना तो चिलीम ओढणारा फकीर म्हणाला होता. त्यातला शहाणपणा मला समजला.  मी हे investigation इथेच थांबवतोय.


मी


ती मला शोधून काढणार ह्याबद्दल मला पूर्ण खात्री होती. आज माझा चेहरा घेऊन कोणीतरी मला इथे शोधतंय हे कळल्यावर एकदम तिची खूप आठवण आली. तीन वर्षांपूर्वी तिला, मला, सोडून मी असा निघून गेल्यावर तिची काय अवस्था झाली असेल, ह्याची कल्पना करून अचानक भीती वाटली. आपण का केलं असं? आणि का करू शकलो?


ती hospital ची भीती होती का मरणाची भीती का अजून काहीतरी मला माहीत नाही. पण त्या दिवशी त्या खाटेवर पडल्या पडल्या मला काय करायचंय ते लख्ख दिसलं होतं. खरं सांगायचं तर ते पूर्वीपासूनच माहीत होतं. पण त्या दिवशी ते मिळवण्यासाठी लागणारा निश्चय आणि आत्मविश्वास गवसला होता. आता फक्त एकच प्रश्न उरला होता. तिचं काय? दोन वर्षं हा प्रश्न सोडवण्यात घालवली देवा. पण तो सुटलाच नाही. दर वेळी सांगायचा प्रयत्न करायचो आणि थांबायचो. तिला हे कळणं जरा अवघडच होतं, कोणालाच कसं कळणार? मला लक्षात आलं होतं की हे धागे मी तोडले, तरी ती नाही तोडू शकणार. शेवटी सगळ्या खाणाखुणा मिटवून निघून आलो.


आज परत एकदा खूप मोकळं, मुक्त वाटतंय. तीन वर्षांपूर्वी मी इथे आलो तेव्हासारखं. मला कोणीच ओळखत नव्हतं. हजारो भगव्या वस्त्रांमधे मी एक. जे शोधायला निघालो ते मिळत होतं. पण मग इथेही ओळखी झाल्या पाळखी झाल्या. नावं झाली गावं झाली. सवयी झाल्या. मग काय फरक राहिला माझ्या आधीच्या शहरात आणि ह्याच्यात? किती दिवस ठरवत होतो इथून पुढे जायचं. पण सुखाची सवय मोडणं सोपं नसतं देवा. आज तिनी परत मला मदत केली. निर्णय घ्यायलाच लावला. इथे थांबलो असतो तर तिला सामोरं जावं लागलं असतं. ज्याच्यासाठी तिला, सगळंच सोडलं, ते अजून सापडलं नव्हतं. वाट स्वच्छ दिसत होती. पण त्याच्यावर चाललं तर पाहिजे! मनापासून तिची माफीही मागायची होती, शत-शत आभार मानायचे होते. घाईघाईतच निरोप लिहिला आणि जसा ह्या ठिकाणी आलो होतो तसाच, फक्त अंगावरच्या वस्त्रानिशी, हे शहर सोडून परत एकदा वाट नेईल तिथे निघालो.. 


[Thanks ashlya for correcting the शुद्धलेखन (did i get that word right? :P)]

ती गेली तेव्हा

आई जाऊन खूप महिने झाले. मी अजून रडलोच नाहीये.

लहानपणी मला आई-बाबांच्या खोलीत झोपायला खूप आवडायचं. ते झोपल्या-झोपल्या रात्री उशिरा परेंत गप्पा मारत बसायचे. डोक्यावरनं पांघरूण घेऊन मी त्यांच्या गप्पा ऐकत बसायचो. आई दिवसभरातल्या गम्ती-जम्ती सांगत असायची आणि बाबा हं, फारच, अगदी, अशी उत्तरं देत असायचे. दोगही आपापल्या जगात असायचे. तरीही त्यांच्या मध्ये एक पक्कं understanding असायचं. अनेक वर्ष सगळ्या सुख-दुख्खांमध्ये एकमेकांची सोबत केल्यामुले आलेलं understanding.

हे सगळं आत्ता विचार करताना लक्ष्यात येतंय. तेव्हा फक्तं त्याचे आवाज ऐकताना जशी झोप लागायची, तशी बाकी कुठेच लागायची नाही. तिथे झोपताना जितकं safe आणि बिनधास्त वाटायचा, तितकं अजून कुठेच वाटलं नाही.

परवा बाबांना बरं वाटत नव्हतं म्हणून त्यांनी माला त्यांच्या खोलीत झोपायला बोलावलं. मी नेहमी सारखाच गादी घेऊन नेहमीच्याच जागेवर झोपलो. पण ते पूर्वीचं, नेहमीचं, जगातल्या सगळ्या चिंता विसरवून साखर झोप देणारं feeling मात्र आलं नाही. बाबांशी गप्पा मारायला आई नव्हती.

I lost the safest place in my world when i lost my mother.

अंगणात गमले मजला, संपले बालपण माझे

ती गेली तेव्हा रिमझिम, पाऊस निनादत होता 

मेघांत अडकली किरणे, हा सूर्य सोडवित होता 

 काही कवितांचे अर्थ नुस्ते वाचून समजत नाहीत.

Urge

I never used to watch a movie twice, nor read the same book again. But lately, i don't know why, but i get this urge to do just that. Not just watch it on TV, but go out, rent a DVD and watch the damn thing again. That's scary.

Why would you watch a movie which you have already seen and remember very well? Some say they learn something new every time they watch it (especially the movies they love). Well this might be true for books, they leave a lot to imagination so the insights change according to your mood, experiences, etc. It might be somewhat true for seriously layered motion pictures. But for routine action flicks and slapstick comedies? Nah..

What i have come to like is the safe feeling that my expectations cannot be shattered. There is tension, but no anxiety. That happy feeling you get when you know that everything _has_ to go according to plan. The plan that you know all along. The plot will unfold as expected, the good guys will win. Watching re-runs makes your universe, well deterministic for that short duration of time. And it is a lovely feeling.

It is also a clear indication that my appetite for risk is reducing. I am perhaps tired of trying something new, failing miserably most of the time. Getting myself hurt in the process, but then again getting up and fighting on.

This drill looks nice for a 20 year old, but i am past 30. Maybe i should look at what other decent 30 year olds around me are doing. Grow up like them. Perhaps...

Perhaps, but not today. Not tonight. Tonight, i dream on. A dream of doing something extravagant, exhilarating, fearless and unbound.

Today i resist the urge to grab the rail. Tomorrow?

Adjusting to India

When i moved back to India from the US 3 years back, i did it because i wanted to. It is one of those decisions you can't really fully explain. Why do people leave comfy jobs to join rockbands or go on world tours or climb mountains or have kids for that matter.

Changing a country is bound to be eventful. And with difference as drastic as between India and US, you are guaranteed some jolts. But a lot of people seem to be trying it out now-a-days. Consider this account.

Why I Left India (Again)

The idea that you can fix India’s problems by adding more people to it — even smart people — is highly suspect. No, I wasn’t going back to fix things; I was leaving the U.S. to go back to Shri Thomas Friedman’s India: an India that offered global companies, continental food, international schools and domestic help; an India that offered freedom from outsourcing and George W. Bush.

India is a poor country. There are millions of poor and hungry people around. As sad and ugly as it may be, that is the truth. And so is the fact that you are not one of them. I guess this guy didn't quiet expect that, hence he had to head back. His was a problem of being rich in a poor society. Being one of the very few fortunate ones among millions born in poverty and misfortune.

You don't think it's a problem? I can assure you it is. At least for people who can and will, think. There are ways of solving it though. You can ignore their plight, you can rationalize their situation saying life is not fair or that its not your concern anyways. Believe me, i have tried them all.

Sadly, none of them work. The only way to be among the haves, be empathetic towards the have-nots and still keep your conscience intact, is to act. It does not matter how small or insignificant your contribution, as long as its genuine. And there are plenty of opportunities to act. That is what excites me about India. Most efforts will fail, some will succeed. In the end all that will matter is that did you sit on the fence looking pretty, or did you act.

संगीताचा कान कुठे मिळतो?

हि संगीता कुठे असते आणि ती तिचा एक कान मला देईल का?

3am on Balgandharva bridge. Cloudless cold December night in Pune. I had just lit my last smoke before heading home. It was as still a night as there can be. But the air moved, not by wind, but with the sound of something. We had to follow the sound, we just had to. That was Shiv Kumar Sharma playing at Sawai Gandharva. It is the first time I remember me actually listening to music. The concert went on till wee hours and I was perhaps the last person to leave that ground. I did not know what it was but I knew I was hooked. I was in college then, and madly in love. That helped, definitely.

I have loved it ever since, but the thing is, I really don't understand crap about it. I have been to hundreds of concerts and listened to thousands of recordings. I have pretended to appreciate the nuances of complicated renditions. भैरव चालू आहे असं confirm करून, कोमल रिषभ काय लागला होता आज किशोरी चा, अशी बळचकर मतं पण टाकली आहेत. दिवसाच्या वेळे प्रमाणे ते-ते राग ऐकून पहिले आहेत. अतिशय प्रामाणिकपणे कान देऊन स्वर ओळखायचे प्रयत्न केले आहेत. एव्हडच काय मी पेटी, violin, तबला, drums वगेरे class लावून शिकायचा ही प्रयत्न केलाय. कधीतरी कुठलातरी राग बरोबर ओळखतो आणि खूप भारी वाटतं. But most of the time I get it wrong.

When people are talking about chords and harmonics I feel like a illiterate who wishes his parents had educated him at the right age. Ofcourse, I don't blame them, most likely what is missing is commitment and persistence on my part. Atleast, I hope that is the case. Because the alternative is too bleak.

That is why I shudder when people say art is something you have to be born with. Because then, I don't stand a chance. :P

Prime Mover

I have been having a lot of free time lately. Its a few minutes a week really, but in those few minutes i have nothing, and i mean absolutely nothing that i have to do. No financial matters to deal with, no relations to maintain, no health issues to worry about. It's a funny floating feeling.

I guess we all have such moments, and dismiss those few minutes of nothingness as aberrations. Details of everyday life are too overwhelming to dwell in such matters. But sometimes that feeling is so strong that it casts a shadow on all your life's doing. Why do we do what we do?

The prime mover has always been attention, recognition from someone else. Why did i write this blog? I could have taken my realization and kept it to myself. But no, i wanted you to read it, and if i am lucky, comment on it (and when you do, perhaps, you seek the same attention :P). I don't have an internal drive, very few do. If there is no one around to see, appreciate even ridicule my actions i wouldn't have done anything but survive. No music, no beauty, no pride, no emotions.

Right from when we are an adorable toddler till we are a cute grandparent, we seek attention. And sometimes i get so tired of it.

Isn't there anything else?

फिरकी

मी आणि रव्या नेहमी प्रमाणे deccan च्या कट्ट्यावर (ह्या जागेचं आणि माझं काय वैर आहे कुणास ठाऊक) पान-बिडी करत उभे होतो. रव्या पचापच थुंकत होता आणि मी धूर काढत होतो. विषय पण नेहमीचाच काहीतरी, hot पोरी (आपल्याला का मिळत नाहीत), पुण्यातले वाढलेले जागांचे भाव (आपल्याला का परवडत नाहीत), वगेरे चालू होता. रात्री साधारण ११ ची वेळ होती, आणि दिवाळीत पडते तशी मस्त गुलाबी थंडी, ह्या वेळेला गणपतीतच पडली होती.

"घ्या, comedy आहे" आम्हाला 2 sec कळलच नाही, कारण आजोबा एकदम व्यवस्थित दिसत होते. म्हणजे त्यांच्या जुन्या पण स्वच्छ कपड्यान वरनं (गरीब असले तरी स्वाभिमानी होते, हे indicate करायचा गरीब प्रयत्न :P) ते असं विकत असतील असं वाटलं नाही. आम्ही ती magazines उगीच थोडी बघितल्यासारखी केली आणि नको म्हणून त्यांना परत दिली. शेजारीच एक पोरा-पोरींचा group मोरे च्या भुर्जी वर ताव मारत बसला होता. मग आजोबांनी तिथे जाऊन try मारला. त्यांनी पण आमच्या सारखच थोडं हसून बघितल्यासारखं केलं. इकडची गिराहीकं संपली हे लक्ष्यात आल्यावर त्यांची cycle ढकलत ते पुढे निघून गेले.

मग आम्ही अश्या situation मध्ये अपेक्षित असलेले काही विषय काढले.
मी: म्हातारपणात असं करावं लागणं कसलं वाईट आहे चायला. कोणावर अशी वेळ येऊ नये (स्वतावर आली तर काय, ह्या विचारानी फाटलेली).
रव्या: हो ना. आमच्या ओळखीत असं झालं एकांचं. तरुण मुलाला paralysis झाला, नोकरी गेली. मग काय...
मी: हो का? (अजून फाटली).
रव्या: तरी atleast ह्यांनी स्वाभिमान सोडला नाहीये. काहीतरी विकतायेत. भिक तरी मागत नाहीयेत.
मी: exactly! that is good. माझं principle आहे, भिक द्यायची नाही. ते encourage होतात आणि मग त्यांचच नुकसान होतं (वगेरे वगेरे full shinning ..)

बिडी संपली आणि आम्ही आपापल्या दिशेने कटलो. पण काहीतरी अस्वस्थ, चुकल्यासारखं वाटत होतं (नशीब!). थोडं पुढे अजून एका टपरी पाशी ते आजोबा परत दिसले. बास म्हंटलं आता खूप झालं. गाडी तिथेच park केली आणि त्या टपरी पाशी गेलो. मी त्यांच्या कडे जाणार एव्हड्यात समोरनं रव्या येताना दिसला.

मी: च्यायला हा कुठून आला! लाज निघणार आता आपली. (अश्या लोकन बद्दल वाईट वाटणे, sensitive असणे, etc. ह्या हास्यास्पद qualities असतात. especially दारू party मध्ये ह्या मुळे बरीच लाज निघू शकते)
रव्या: अरे तू काय करतोय इथे?
मी: (काहीतरी थाप मारावी असं वाटलं, पण anyways त्याला कळणार होतं) अरे त्या punter कडनं एखादं पुस्तक घेणार होतो.
रव्या: मी पण :)

मग दोघांनी एक-एक 'फिरकी - कौटुंबिक विनोदी मासिक' घेतलं आणि तिथून सुटलो. पण विषय सुटला नाही. आपण अजून काही करायला हवं होतं का? अजुन ४ अंक का नाही घेतले? त्यांच्याशी जरा बोलायला हवं होतं का? घरी आल्या-आल्या ashlya ला हे सगळं सांगितलं. ती पण मग बराच वेळ अस्वस्थ होती.

मी: (थोड्या वेळानी) आलीस का परत normal ला?
ती: आपण परत normal ला येतो, ह्याचाच राग येतो कधीकधी.

HBO वर कुठला तरी क्ष horror movie बघण्यात मी कधीच दंग झालो होतो ..

do we really want freedom?

lately i have been reading (mostly at work) and talking (mostly when drunk) about such things as freedom and individual liberty. about how the government should not meddle with our lives and how the law should be based only on the non-aggression principle. and such shit. its fun read, and fun think. but the bottom line is, even if you understand all this and have a solution that will end all the world's problems, you need to be in a position of power to implement it. which you and me, by definition, are not (i write inconsequential blogs and you read them :P).

so what do we have power over? obviously we can have power over our own lives, our ambitions, our relations. the operative verb being _can_ here. yes of course we can take control of all those things, but do we really? and if not, why the hell not??

one answer lies, unfortunately, with our near and dear ones.

our lives, if not disturbed by deep thinking, are a study in dependence. we begin as an infant dependant on mom, then as a kid we stick to both our parents. adolescence comes with heavy reliance on friends and peer groups. as we mature we shift our emotional weights onto our spouse and then, when all is said and done, we look at our kids to ferry us off to the end.

what does this have to do with having power over your own life? power and dependence are in some sense, antonyms. the more things you are dependent on, the less power you have left. so the obvious thing would be to reduce your dependence on your relations, especially the close ones. well this is hard enough and even if you manage it somehow, its just the first step. (if you think all the fun in life comes from clinging to the ones you love, this will seem absurd/stupid to you. read no further :) also, there is tremendous difference between breaking a relationship and breaking your dependence on it. i am talking about the later, and hoping you know the difference.

the next step is a simple question of ethics. you want to do something but your loved ones don't want you to do it. what do you do?

there are some who, without a blink, say 'i do it', some answer 'i won't do it' just as fast and then there are the ones who, think. what follows is for the third kind.

imagine you are a regular joe (i don't need to imagine, i am :P). good job, wife, parents, school friends, college chums, office buddies, the works. throw in a nice little hobby while you are at it (hmm, photography seems to be in flavour). nice and boring.
you, like most around you, are happy with your life, but sometimes have that strange feeling of missing something which will make your life complete. after years of sliding that feeling under the carpet, you finally come out of the slumber and decide to do something passionate and interesting. say, you decide to travel the world, like this guy. you plan well, like you always do :) you decide to work hard and make sufficient financial arrangements for your family before you leave.

obviously, nobody is happy with all this, except you. parents, they tell you that they are just worried about your own safety and that's why they don't want you to go. they suggest a nice relaxing 7 day vacation to Kerala instead. wife says she will support you always but subtly hints at dropping this madness for everyone's sake. she blames it on your not so fulfilling job and suggests looking for a better one. friends tell you stories about how they too once dreamed of doing such things. their solution to the problem is to get some more responsibilities, that sure as hell kills such stupid thoughts.

now back to our question on ethics. is it right to do something you like, even if it makes everyone you like, unhappy? it seems like a trick question, but it is not. the heartless cold-blooded but right answer to this question is, yes. but people will call you insensitive and ungrateful if you do it, and praise you for your sacrifice if you don't. but no one will realize that the problem was not that you were trying to experiment with your life, it was that others couldn't let go of you and your secure relationship with them.



if you don't expect anything from others, you don't need to heed others expectations. it is as simple and as difficult as that. but if you achieve it, that is true freedom.
 

but i guess we don't really want to be free. we just want things to go our way, always.

and yes, there is a difference between the two.

on power and freedom

"And after your glorious coup, what then? You take your five thousand and... leave? " - Gladiator

world has seen many who wouldn't. the allure of power is just too much for most mortals to resist. the problem has never been that the corrupt find a way to be powerful, but its that the powerful have always become corrupt.

i understand this urge to seek power, it can be logically traced back to that primal instinct of survival (greater your power, greater are your chances of thrashing the opposition). so the most powerful naturally got to be the leaders and rulers. even today, be it the khadi clad national politician, the gutka spewing local MLA or our good old household patriarch, they all will be extremely uncomfortable without access to total submission from those whom they supposedly serve.

power is fine if it comes alone. but invariably, when someone gains power, someone else (possibly of a different caste, class or sex) loses some of their legitimate freedom. history has seen numerous examples where unabashed power has not only restricted but crushed even the very basic freedoms of those it subdued. really, is there _anyone_ that you would trust with absolute power? the person next to you? the person you adore, love the most in this world? how about yourself? who is qualified to be the most powerful? (the answer is no one. we all are imperfect, we all are fallible)

so there is good news and bad news (actually its the same news, just 2 ways of looking at it :P). whenever these excesses of power have become unbearable, though it took hundreds of years and millions of lives, we have ultimately found ways of curbing them. kingdoms were too person specific (good king, fun. bad king, well not so fun), so we shifted to a more reliable religion backed nation states model. when religion became oppressive we decoupled it from the State. we split the State into legislature, executive and judiciary, all independent (in theory atleast) with the hope that no one person or institution can wield absolute power.

the good way to look at it is that we have firmly established, after centuries of blood and gore, that no human or human institution can be trusted with supreme power. bad news is that we haven't figured out the alternative. everytime a powerful institution is disbanded, some other takes its place. when will this end? is it even possible?

i guess the only time we will be truly free is when the basic needs of every man (food, health, education and property rights) are guaranteed, but his prosperity and progress is left to the free market, unhindered.

the closest i have seen anyone come to this idea are the Libertarians. been following this funny word for some time now, so more about it soon. (btw i have heard they don't consider you a true libertarian unless you can pronounce "Libertarianism" quickly. three times.) 

while i loosen my tongue on that one, here is an excellent post by Amit Verma to get you started.

Where's the Freedom Party

kabir rules big time

God, is perhaps the least understood and at the same time, the most exploited concept in recorded history. came across this beautiful verse which cuts through the confusion, and calls it for what it really is. n'joy



Moko kahan dhundhere bande
Mein toh tere paas mein
Na teerath mein, na moorat mein
Na ekant niwas mein
Na mandir mein, na masjid mein
Na kabe kailas mein
Mein toh tere paas mein bande
Mein toh tere paas mein
Na mein jap mein, na mein tap mein
Na mein barat upaas mein
Na mein kiriya karam mein rehta
Nahin jog sanyas mein
Nahin pran mein nahin pind mein
Na brahmand akas mein
Na mein prakuti prawar gufa mein
Nahin swasan ki swans mein
Khoji hoye turat mil jaoon
Ik pal ki talas mein
Kahet Kabir Suno Bhai Sadho
Mein Toh Hoon Viswas Mein

Sampling Theorem

so how often do you sample life?

apparently our whole waking lives can be split into two alternating states. one in which we are thinking about the world and doing stuff in it. habitual tasks (eating, commuting, etc.), vacations, sports, movie watching, working, the list is endless. second state is when we think about the self, am i happy? what am i doing here? why do i want, what i want? who am i?

first state is the waveform of life. every life on earth possesses it. a cell is dividing, a tree is growing new leaves, a sheep is eating them, a tiger is stalking its prey, a human is commuting. the level of sophistication may vary according to species but not the fact that they are living (or leaving :P) out their lives. 

the second state is when you sample this waveform. instead of going about living your life, you stop and look at yourself as an outsider. at the risk of sounding spiritual, i must say it is the state when you become 'self conscious'. it lasts a few fleeting moments before giving way to first state again. but it strikes hard and deep.

first state is nice and simple, but do i really need this confusing second state? i mean what can i possibly gain by asking 'who am i' or 'am i happy' to myself over and over again?

simply put, "i" wont exist without the second state. 'cogito ergo sum' really means that 'i think (about my own self) therefore i am' or 'i think (about thinking itself) therefore i am'. it is this second order thinking that makes consciousness and in turn, self consciousness, possible. a lioness is also thinking when she plans an attack. but she does not _know_ that, does she? she does not even know that she _exists_. it is our ability to turn the subject of our lives (ourselves) in an object of contemplation, that makes us exist.

point being?

the more you sample the better fidelity you get (we all remember Nyquist dont we?). so, to truly understand life (and not just live it out) you have to be in the second state as much and as often as possible.

philosophy is cheap, show me the money.

No. philosophy is cheap when it comes from a loser like me. what about when a Nobel Laureate talks about something similar? 

you dont think that is cheap, now do you? :P (actually its a good working approximation to first look at _who_ is talking rather than _what_ is being said. as long as we dont forget its just that, an approximation. but i digress.) 

the only way to reduce distortion between the experiencing self and the remembering self is to sample life as often as possible. the remembering self aggregates all the points that entered our consciousness. more data points will only make it more accurate.

and yes, about the money. you can save on that vacation you don't really want ;)


(video link via Anand)

day dreaming

can you imagine a perfect world? No seriously, can you?

not just a simple "i would always be happy in a perfect world", but the nitigrities of that world. what would you do in it? what would other people/institutions be like? those who have tried it know its not that easy. we are so used to chipping away at the rigid realities of day to day life, that even our dreams can't easily break free of them. 

but its a fun exercise. at least you know what you are aiming for. and for those of you who are crazy enough to go after their dreams, its the only compass which can keep them on course. so go ahead, conjure up something for yourself. i must warn you though. its fun to get in (a dream world), not easy to come back. :)

one dream comin up..

for me, people have been most impressive so far. i wouldn't want them any different in the dream world. or maybe i am not creative enough :P what i would like different are a few social institutions that we have built up over the years.

Courts of Law (Justice)

ya, they are black and bleak, nothing dreamy or romantic. but they are mostly what differentiates us from our savage counterparts/ancestors in the animal kingdom. In my dream world courts will be impartial, accessible to everyone and reasonably quick. the law itself will be based on the non-aggression principle. the police will just be enforcers of the rule of law, and nothing else. thus everyone will be safe as long as they do not harm anyone else. That is all i want from the black robes. and yes i have been reading 'to kill a mocking bird' recently. here is a  beautiful excerpt from it.

But there is one way in this country in which all men are created equal - there is one human institution that makes a pauper the equal of a Rockefeller, the stupid man the equal of an Einstein, and the ignorant man the equal of any college president. That institution, gentlemen, is a court. It can be the Supreme Court of the United States or the humblest J.P. court in the land, or this honourable court which you serve. Our courts have their faults, as does any human institution, but in this country our courts are the great levelers, and in our courts all men are created equal. 

Government (the need for it)

survival of the fittest? Nah. more like prosperity of the fittest, survival of everyone.

There must have been in a time when your survival/prosperity depended on how fast and accurately you can throw a spear.  we have come a long way since then. physical strength might have been replaced by the ability to produce but, the law of the jungle still holds. so the smart/hard-working guys make it big, as they should. but those who can't produce anything (due to ill-fate or choice) shouldn't be left to just die. Government will exist to give them basic things like food, shelter, education and medical care.

other than that the government will just take care of public property and its usage, it will not produce anything. it will do town planning, contract out civic works like water supply, roads, etc. contractors will collect their dues from the consumers directly, where ever possible.

the government will be necessary but unimportant. no one institution will have the power to steer the whole country according to its will. power corrupts, and that much power corrupts absolutely. Instead the fate of nation will literally be the sum total of what its citizens make of their own. good or bad.

Government (the people in it)

democracy is nice, but representative democracy is stupid. no one person can represent a million people. he can represent a mob (hence we have mobsters in parliament) but not individuals. in my world there will be no fulltime politicians, but there will be some compulsory 'political service' for everyone. :P

people won't be voted into office, there will just be a random draw from among responsible citizens (responsible: no history of harming anyone and who produces something for a living, anything from a painting to a cryogenic engine is fine). ofcourse there will be a panel (comprising of eminent people from different professions) to help out if need be. 

people will vote to decide the broad policy regarding utilization of the natural and public resources. 

democracy is not outsourcing the difficult stuff to some elected guy. democracy means everyone will have freedom and liberty to do whatever they wish, as long as they don't aggress.

Family

in my world parents won't try to 'give their kids what they did not get' and kids wont take their parents for granted. parents wont pass on their prejudices and kids will question everything that their folks taught them. i can keep going but i already wrote a whole freakin play on this one :P

Marriage

wrote about that too ;)

Work

oh ya there will be work in my dream world, and lots of it. i am always surprised by the amount of satisfaction a hard day's work can give you. ofcourse it won't be something as rigid as a 9 to 5, and it certainly wont be tangential to your life's pursuit.

and did i mention that katrina kaif will have the hots for me?

damn!

निषेध !

a friend suggested that common maharashtrians should put up their opinions about what the sena is doing. his reasoning was decent. (most muslims are not terrorists, but the moderates keep quiet, so the image building rests in the extremist's hands.) not that i needed a reason :P

एक पक्का पुणेकर असल्याने ह्या विषयावर 'मत' मांडायचा chance मी सोडू शकत नाही. तर...सरकारचे डोके ठिकाणावर आहे काय?! मी ह्याचा आणि इतर सर्व गोष्टींचा एकदाच काय तो जाहीर निषेध करतो. परत परत प्रत्येक छोट्या मोठ्या बातमीचा निषेध करायला लावू नये. (आम्ही broadband चे bill भरतो)

honestly speaking, i really don't understand these so called social issues. you see, i come from (and roam about) in a class which is not bothered much (or so we think :P) by these issues. some times when we are bored of cricket, stock market and the weather, we tend to talk of them. social issues make for interesting conversation topics (especially if they are alcohol soluble) but never turn into action items (dude, i have got a life of my own to take care of !).

i hope this will change. not for the sake of the underprivileged or the society in general (whatever that means). but for my own sake. 'cause it has been my unfortunate observation that the people who can look beyond their material needs, tend to be happier.